just a girl and a city

A letter my father wrote me on my tenth birthday…this man is my hero. I’ve been neglecting this blog lately so I thought I would mark my return with something beautiful…

“I have wanted to do this for some time, that is to write you a letter that you can keep with you, to remember me, to help you when you need it, a source of advice and inspiration. It is important for you to know, that this letter is being given to you now, because you have become a very perceptive and understanding person. You know that because you are aware that you think of things differently than your friends, providing a framework and understanding that you only possess because of the gifts that we have given you. You are a gifted young girl, always know this and never forget it.

Never accept the labels, people attempt to place on you. Be quietly confident in your abilities, do not be afraid to be sure of yourself of think that it is necessary to humble yourself to fit in. Accept other people as they are but help them to accomplish things. This can be a difficult endeavor because many people will believe you perceive yourself as superior. It at all possible, give people options, they will usually accept the best choice that is right for them. Think the best of people. I know, you think I sometimes get overly critical of people. You are right. Try not to imitate the things your parents do, that you know in your heart are wrong. Listen to your parents. Do not be rebellious. Talk with us and give us the options I have asked you to give other people. I will always listen to your ideas. If it appears I am not paying attention to you, this is not your failure or issue, it is because I have too many things on my mind. Know that you and mother are the most important things in my life and it I was perfect I would treat you both this way every day of my life. See, people want to do the right thing. If given time, encouragement and acceptance, I can even do the right things.

See, have a sense of humor. Life will be boring and uneventful if you do not laugh at it or laugh with others. It is very important to remember to laugh with people not at them. It is wrong for us to laugh at others shortcomings. Rather we must remember we are all different but important in God’s eyes. I have traveled throughout the world. I have seen good and bad everywhere. Encourage your friends not to ridicule others. In the long run, every one will appreciate this.

Be gentle but strong. I love the understanding look in your eyes as I see you caring about stray animals. Remember we are all God’s animals and some of us are astray, but we all want a home and to be loved. Please do not change these feelings you have for pets. It shows you are a compassionate soul like your mothers. Know that your mother will always be your best source of advice on being a woman and a mother.  Look to your parents as a source of everything you desire. Please do not think we are incapable of understanding your situations. Always give us the whole story. As you have experienced, it can be worse when you give information in chapters. As you will find out, your mother and I have probably “read that book before and will know the end of the story”.

One of the most important things for you to understand, is that we wish the best for you at all times. Know this and accept that I would lay down my life for you, without a moments hesitation. Nothing I see, touch, feel, hear, breathe, and even eat, is as important to me as my girls. You will someday feel this wonderful responsibility and will hopefully pass on these same words to your children. Or if you decide to not have children, pass the words on to anybody you deeply love.

Know that we will always give you the latitude to be single, married, day, heterosexual, or anything that you feel is your destiny. We will love you under any circumstances. As I have said before, please do not become rebellious as you get older. I am looking forward to long interesting conversations, over a cup of coffee with “my girl”. As you get older, our topics may become more complicated but the basis and the feelings will be the least complicated thing I feel. That is complete and unquestioning love for my daughter.

Lastly, life is a challenge. Accept them. Overcome them. Cherish your accomplishments. Never belittle your goals or accept the chains people will attempt to place around your ankles. Some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen were the views from the top of the mountain, the beach from the top of the sand due, of the ocean floor from thirty feet below the surface. Additionally, as they say, it is not just the destination but the journey. Never forget the sweat, preparation, anxiety, and the joy as you achieve anything. Those are all the cornerstone emotions that are the fuel of the future.

In closing, you are my future, my past, my grandest accomplishment. Do not think I am looking forward to being proud of you. Know that I was proud of you from the very first day I saw you and held you in my arms. Also know that no matter what else happens in life, as long as we have family, we have everything. My most greatest love. “

Your Father.

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy.”

This quote was posted by Khloe Kardash a few days ago and has since been all over facebook and can I just say that is really truly, to the tips of my toes pisses me off?

I am so OVER this concept that the only girls who are worth it are going to be giving their guys blue balls for weeks because they are so pure and perfect. NO, an amazing woman is someone who is mature and secure enough in herself to know what she wants. If she wants to sleep with someone she will. Confidence in your sexuality does not a slut make. I am not any less of a woman because I choose to sleep with someone on the first date, or the second, or before a date if I so choose. A woman who is able to determine what she wants and handles those desires in a safe way is amazing.

Women need to stop telling each other that they are sluts for being sexual and start expecting men to appreciate that women who have wants and desires and sex! may also be great caregivers who are charming, smart, and even wife material. Why can’t sex and character go hand in hand?

In regards to the previous post. I sent the email to the disappearing ex…no response. Well, what did I really expect from a kid who moved away without telling me. HA! I do truly hope he has found some peace in his life and I hope he realizes how many lessons he has truly taught me:

 - what a healthy relationship is

- how strong I really am

- how important alone time is

- that life is a gift and that we are all young and beautiful and anytime spent without optimism, a dream in your heart, and a twinkle in your eye is precious time wasted.

A year ago today, my boyfriend drove me to the train station so I could go home for Thanksgiving. That was the last time I saw him. A month later, after weeks of tears, check-ins with his family, and more tears, I received an email that he moved home and never wanted to speak to me again. He was suffering with depression, and needed to be back with his family.

It feels like this never happened to me, like I’m retelling a scene from a movie. But, this in fact only happened a year ago. Funny how time works. Somehow, I have given myself closure and have entirely new relationship territory to tread (blog material for another day). But, I still struggle with how to handle this situation moving forward. Part of me feels that I should never speak to this individual again. Growing up a Navy Brat, I’m extremely adept at leaving people and never looking back.

But, sometimes I feel that completely leaving him in my past is not the right response. Is it normal to remove people from my life so easily? I still cannot even digest the fact that this was only a year ago, thinking back all I can feel is relief. This situation has taught, inspired, and benefitted me so much. I hope he has gained something this year too. Perhaps I will soon have the guts to check in to find out.